Mom for a month

I was worried how having Lucy was going to affect our marriage. I thought some how we wouldn't be us. It has been the complete opposite. We are us, on drugs. Us, but butter. More in love, more happy, more fun.

Slightly sleep deprived...ha

        My month as a Mom has been a mixture of so many things. It has been the best, but most challenging month of my life. This baby girl spends 80% of her life in my arms.. the other 20% in her Dads. I stare at her so much and just marvel that she is mine and that Todd and I somehow made something so perfect. I love every single expression that she makes. I could seriously just hug and kiss her to death. Being a Mom has been totally fun and totally terrifying. I freak out at least once a day that I've done something catastrophically wrong that is going to ruin my child forever. I google maybe 20 things each day. Anything from how to prevent diaper rash, to how far babies can see. In the beginning I had an app that would make a chart for me of how many number 1's and number 2's she did throughout the day, but realized I was being a little extreme. For the first three weeks my cell phone alarm would go off every 3 hours and I would feed her the second it went off... I've loosened up on that as well after she gained 1 1/2 pounds at her two week appointment. While we were in Idaho I found myself slathering my baby in hand sanitizer, and breastfeeding... hmm, what to even say about that? We are still learning. Oh and how about the fact that I still have to sleep with some lights on so I can look over to see if she is breathing? Gosh, how am I this neurotic and paranoid? I'm happy to say I'm chilling out a little more each day, but I still feel like I do so many things wrong, and feel completely clueless. I just want a list of rules... do this, don't do this, do this next... I just laugh at myself, who knew I was so crazy?

      Among the feelings of worry and inadequacy I have felt since being a new Mom, I have also experienced feelings that I never even knew existed. They are indescribable. Joy. Happiness. Peace. Contentment. Gratitude.Love.Fear. None of these words are close to being adequate for how I feel. Mostly I just feel like my heart is so full it could burst. I'm hoping in my second month as a Mom---
1. I become less freaked out by anything and everything.
2. I still love and everything as much as I do right now.
3. The world becomes a safe place. (I watched an episode of Greys Anatomy about a kidnapped little girl and subsequently bawled my eyes out for two hours and seriously considered buying a security system..or a dog at least) and
4.Todd magically gains a milk supply and can start breast-feeding our baby.

 Month 2... here goes.