Dear baby,
Today we found out that we might not get to keep you very long. Today your dad and I’s lives changed forever. You have changed something in us, you have let us feel a deeper love than we ever knew existed. You have let us experience the love of a parent. The kind of love that makes us wish we could move mountains, the kind of love that would make us do anything to protect you. An indescribable, deep, profound love.
The first ultrasound you had you were 10 weeks along. Your dad and I laughed and waved at you, you were so cute and real. Your tiny arms and legs were just flippin in the wind and your little heart was flickering like crazy. I cried when I heard the woosh of your heart beat and your dad kissed me on the forehead. It was such a perfect moment. After the ultrasound a doctor came in and explained that there was something concerning going on. She said that the measurement on your nuchal line was looking big. She explained that this was concerning for down syndrome or something else. They wanted to see us all back in 9 days to retest. We cried with worry. Your dad was so strong for us. He held us, and loved us and knew just what to say. It didn’t take us long to accept the fact that you might be different. We could feel it in our hearts that something was wrong. We told grandma Jill and she told your Sutton Aunts and Uncles. I thought it was very sweet that your tough uncles cried and cried for you. We then had an outpouring of texts and calls expressing their love for us and for you. Their messages said things like “You two are perfect for this, we can’t think of anyone better to send this baby to.” Even your little cousins were praying for you. Their messages and their prayers got us through the next nine days, when we would get more tests. The family all fasted for us. To have my family fast for us was such a humbling and sweet experience that gave me so much peace. I have never felt so loved and cared about. I hope that you are feeling that love too, you are the most loved 11 weeks year old baby there ever was. I pray you can meet all of these amazing people.
The next 9 days past slowly. I was of course really sick and getting IV fluids 3 times a week and your dad was busy trying to focus on school. Your sweet dad spent hours researching babies like you. I mostly just prayed and cried alot. People called everyday, word had spread fast in Rexburg, with many sweet words from people we knew very little. The power of everyone's prayers was almost tangible in our home.
Wednesday finally came. I was so nervous I must have thrown up a dozen times before your ultrasound. The machine came on and there you were. Our sweet, perfect baby still kicking, still with a strong heart beat. We were so relieved, but knew that something was wrong. We just felt it. That bubble on the back of your neck was much bigger, probably 6 times bigger than last time and it went all the way to your cute little bum. It was about a quarter of the size that you were. The doctors read the results and we were led to a genetic counselor. They told us what you had was called a Cystic Hygroma. We had researched that and knew that it was bad. Only 1% of all babies get it. They explained that yours was pretty severe. They gave us about a 6-10% chance that you would make it to birth, and if you did you would most likely have some serious issues. Your dad wrote down almost every word the counselor said while I just cried on his shoulder. They gave us some time alone, and once again your Dad was our rock. He cried to as he held me, he kissed my forehead and stroked my hair and promised we would make it through this.
We came home and prayed to Heavenly Father, then laid in our bed and talked to you. We told you that we wanted to meet you. We asked you to fight. We asked you to fight that thing on your back because we need you. You are our family now, and you have already become our whole world. Please fight baby. Love, mom.
