The Black Blanket

I had CRaAZZzY night at work last night. I'm talking pressure bags, slamming in blood, crazy low BP's, no doctor anywhere, working like crazy to keep the patient alive crazy night. I drove home like a zombie and climbed into bed. Usually I brief Todd on the happenings of the night but was to exhausted to even talk about it and just kissed him and fell asleep. I woke up to my windows covered with a black blanket and it was a total black out in my room. I had told Todd before I wished I had curtains to make it darker in our bedroom. Wish granted. I woke up and the first thing I saw was that black blanket taped to the window and I just smiled... He LoVeS Me.

Things to remember

Things I want to remember from my weekend: Todd and I finally got rid of our 1812 olive green washer and dryer. We bought a new one on KSL. The most terrible but best part of my day was when we were hauling the new ones up the stairs. Todd always seems to think I can do anything he can. Its cute that he has so much confidence in me, but it turned out to be quite the project. We got it out of the element (which Todd has named the Jimmer because it is compact and fast and awesome like Jimmer)we would walk three steps with the washer and I would make a comment like "I just pulled a muscle" and would put it down then another three steps and I'd say "babe my fingers are breaking, like really we need to stop" then another step then "Todd I really can't do this for real" one of our many put downs I somehow got my head stuck in between the rock pillar and the washer I started saying "ow ow ow" and so Todd put down his side of the washer and ran over to help me, then started laughing because my head was pinned and I was being so dramatic about it. We got out of the position and kept hauling that beast up the stairs. We had to keep stopping because we both would start laughing and I can't laugh that hard and hold something that heavy. It took us one hour to get the washer from the Jimmer upstairs. We then layed in bed and talked about how happy it was to be listening to the beautiful pur of the new washer.

I also want to remember how one of Todds scouts kept looking at Todd while he was passing the sacrament for the first time. He kept looking to Todd to make sure he was doing it right. Todd gave him thumbs up and the kid smiled and it just warmed my heart.

One more thing I want to remember was going coupon shopping at target together. I have way to much pride to go alone to do something like that so Todd came with me and we were like little kids as the register would ring up our deals. We were so excited. Todd laughed at me that I wanted to dress up cute to go so that the check out person wouldn't think we were so poor that we needed to coupon. Pride issue? Ya I think so...As we were leaving Todd was taking the cart back to Target and I saw him walking to the back of the parking lot to get a few stray carts and bring them back in. Who does this? Seriously.

Unprivitization

So one day I just up and made my blog private, which in retrospect was rude, because it made people feel like I just didn't invite them. I only invited my sisters and my mom. I used my blog as a journal and a place to brag shamelessly about Todd and express how obsessed I am with the amazing life we have together. I also filled it full of some deep feelings and talked about some of the trials I go through. I loved being able to write all of my thoughts down and to share what was going on in my life with my dearest friends. It then dawned on me that people that read my blog are probably people that have been dear friends to me at one point in my life or another. Friends dont' judge, they just love you. I deal with alot of death and know that relationships are the most important things we have. So in reading my blog you develop a relationship with me and I am grateful that you are getting to know me on a deeper level than just knowing what we did this weekend. So, after much thought I have decided to unprivitize my blog (not a word?), at least for a little while, then may properly go private. With a little disclaimer... It most likely at times will make you want to puke. I am a mushy, lovey dovey person and I think Todd hung the moon, he is my whole world and I will constantly be talking about how in love with us I am. Don't say I didn't warn you...I am going to write on here as if it is my journal. There are always ups and downs and if I want to I will write about them. So it mostly will be just words not pictures. I still have another blog for my sisters and mom to read when I have stuff to private or to annoyingly braggy for the whole world to read. So this is part of my life, and to most people who read it; You are part of my life and I love you...Welcome.

Lortab Lollapalooza.

Woke up at 4:00 pm and needed some tylenol. Went into the bathroom poured out two kind of big white pills into my hand and took them. I remember thinking hmm those are big tylenols. About an hour later I was telling Todd that I felt really good for just waking up, and that I felt kind of "Light" a half hour later I told todd I felt really shaky and nauseated and very ummm high. Todd then reminded me that I had put a few lortab in the tylenol bottle, just in case we ever needed anything stronger we would have it while we were out and about. I then went and looked at the pills and WHOOPS I took two lortab! I have never taken two lortab at a time in my life! I felt terrible and very sleepy and the problem was I had to be to work in an hour! Luckily, a nurse got called off and I just called and asked if he wanted to work the first four hours of my shift until i slept my high off. He said he glady would. And now here I sit at work at 3:00 AM still slightly buzzed. LESSON LEARNED. LORTAB IN TYLENOL BOTTLE = BAD IDEA.

Current Obsessions

Todd has all of his little obsessions, but together we have a few obsessions too. I thought it would be fun to document what we are obsessed with from time to time. Right now our obsessions are... Jimmer Fredette, puzzles, bejeweled on our itouches (last weekend we couldn't think of much to do so we sat on our bed and had a bejewled tournament for a few hours) our new Nook, Mumford and Sons music, secondhand seronade, bountiful baskets, making it to friday nights consumes many of our thoughts, Greys anatomy of course,Glee, In and Out, we are trying not to go grocery shopping all of February, I'm obsessed with the bachelor, working overtime for our trip, our humidifier, our new kitchen cabinents, todd is obsessed with can lights and wants one every 2 square inches, and we are now really into goat cheese.

Surprise

It was hard being away from Todd while I was in New York. He always sounded exhausted when I talked to him on the phone I just thought he was at home sleeping his life away. I found out why the exhaustion when I got home. He picked us up from the airport and had paint all over his clothes and sawdust in his hair...I wondered what was going on. I came home to the most wonderful surpise ever. Todd had basically completely redone our kitchen!!! It was something we had talked about doing sincewe moved in, redoing the cabinents and installing better lighting but I didn't imagine it happenign int eh near future. Todd spent the whole five days I was gone installing canned lights all over our kitchen, picking out and installing pendant lights above the island, taking our cabinents to get redone, painting the backsplash and deep cleaning everything. WHO DOES THIS????? Seriously, apparently my friends knew the whole time he was at home working on it. They were good secret keepers. When I walked into the kitchen I screamed and squealed for like 13 minutes straight. Todd said he couldn't sleep the night before he was so excited for when I saw it. AHHH.. the cutest.

I will never know you the way others do, being apart of your every day life is not what I am meant to be. I will see you in a different light than others who you associate with on a day to day basis. The way we know each other will be different. The time you spend with me will be unpleasant but necessary. You are fighting for your life. I will be with you during the most intimate and yet humiliating time for you. Your body will do things you don’t understand and feel ways you cannot describe. We will experience joy, hope, terror, and faith together. You await the future with anxiousness and wonder. While you try and survive this grim and lonely experience, feeling deserted and alone, I will be with you. It will be an honor to witness your strength, your courage, your fears and your miracles. You will never know this, but I care more than words can describe. While I can never know how you feel, I love you, I care about you, and I will do everything in my power to help you.

Your fears will be my fears. You stay in my thoughts day and night as I try and imagine your pain. When I leave this dreary hospital each night I stop to think; what if I was the one not returning to a happy, healthy home tonight? Would I be strong and courageous as you are? Would I have the faith and the hope that you do as you continue your fight to live? Would I be able to smile as you do? I cannot describe the pain and the thoughts that I have each day.
Before I lay down each night, I will pray. I will pray for you and for strength to know how to help you. I will thank my Heavenly Father for my health, for my job, and the miracle it is to know you. You come to me for help, and in return you will influence my life more than words can say.
You are my patient, and I am your nurse.
I thank God that I have the privilege of knowing you.-- Keeli Huntsman

guardian angels

Just in case is sounds like I hate my job, I hope everyone knows I really love it. Today I found a present in the breakroom with my name on it. Everyone said it had been sitting there since Christmas Eve. It was then most beautifully illlustrated book called "the night before Christmas" Inside the cover is written "Our dear Suzy. We are so grateful that you so tenderly watched over Clint last year, especially around christmastime. He loved you so much, now it is his turn to watch over you. We will always remember "the night before Christmas" we spent with you. Love Dave and Kathy Layton.

Last Christmas eve I was lucky enough to be working. At the first of my shift Clint said with tears in his eyes, I prayed that you would be my nurse tonight. I spent Christmas eve in his room reading scriptures with his family and we all took turns sharing our testimony of Christ. It was one of my most treasured Christmas memories. Clint died three months later. I do know that he is watching over me. Along with many other people I have grown to love. I know I have this job for a reason, I know that because of it I have many angels watchign over me, and I have many angels to watch over here on this earth. Maybe that is why things seem to just work out for me. I have alot of guardian angels on the other side...

the hospital floor

I've been here before, staring at a hospital floor listening to a little boy sleep. This boy is a big little boy. 28 years old with two little boys of his own... The floor I remember was dirty and there were 5 other kids in the room with that little boy,Manuel was his name. Tonight the floor is clean and the patient is sleeping alone. It was quiet then, and it is quiet now, I had tears then and I have tears now. Manuel had no parents... my patient has parents. Parents that ask me "Suzy is he going to live" "Suzy how long until we know if he will die". What do I say? Yes, most likely he will die, your little boy? No. Insteady I tell them that he is a fighter, that if anyone will make it, it will be their son. I've said these words dozens of times before to many tired parents. Never really believing them. I hate that I can't believe them. I hate that they never seem to be true. I hate feeling what I felt in Ecuador four years ago... heartbroken and heavy.However, I love that death is not the end. I love that I know there is a purpose behind all things,I love that time goes on, that people heal eventually, I love that because of my savior there can be hope in many hospitals, hope given to many people staring at the floors.

Good.Day.

I HATE running errands by myself, especially grocery shopping. I feel that grocery shopping/cleaning/cooking are all torturous tasks when I have to do them alone. I am always begging todd to just study downstairs while I clean, or to come grocery shopping just because I hate to do it alone so bad. Yesterday was a busy full day of errands like shopping and cleaning and laundry and food making, but I had so much fun all day cause Todd did everything with me, and then we finished the night off by driving to Idaho, signing GLEE at the top of our lungs and playing air guitar to christmas songs. It takes exactly 3 hours to get from my house to moms.GOOD.DAY.

Patience

Todd and I have had a year of lessons in patience, and I still feel like I am in the beginner class. It has been a frustrated anxiety ridden year with many decisions, a lot of waiting, praying, crying, struggling, alot of peaceful times, then times of doubt and worry. I'm exhausted even writing all of those words. And the lesson still continues. This dental school thing is consuming my thoughts. Todd has two interviews this week, and I am having a hard time being calm about them. One of the interviews is at USN, Todd and I will both be crushed if we do not get in there. It is putting so much pressure on him and I. I'm freaking out. It's so out of my control. I know that we will go where we are supposed to when we are supposed to but it sure is going to suck if it isn't to USN next year. I've felt so at peace at times during the last year and I keep trying to remember that. But unfortunately I'm struggling to make tonight a peaceful night. It is a night of worry and fear. I know that even if it might be hard to accept everything will work out how it is supposed to and This.will.end....

Christmas Caroling

I bought stockings for all the patients at work and stuffed them with all sorts of goodies like booties and candy and an orange and someone made pillow cases, and someone else made beanies. I wrapped them each up a puzzle. They turned our perfect and tonight we delivered them to each room and sang christmas carols in their rooms. There were many tears shed by the patients and many thank you's from them. It was a sweet day. Todd only has five more days of finals! He didn't have to take his physics final yesterday. He went to take it and the teacher called out his name and told him to meet him in his office. Todd thought he was in trouble or something. But it turned out he has the high score in the class and the patient says he could get an F on the test and still have an A so he said he didn't have to take it. How cool is that? I'm so proud to be married to such a smart boy. Who knew he was a genius? I scored much bigger with him than I even originally thought.

U.E

Just spent the last hour manually irrigating NS in and out of my patiets bladder trying to get a clot the size of a dime out of his urethra. He is my favorite patient I've had in a long time, which means he probably will be one I will get super attached to and then he pass away. Not one of those who I have developed a really really special bond with have survived through transplant. Anyways we were having a ball in there, I was singing to his clots trying to charm them out of his bladder and he was teasing me that I was literally crazy and kept pretending to call the psych ward. His wife had a baby last week and I was his nurse that day, we spent the whole day wheelchairing up and down to the maternity floor to visit his wife. He got to be there through the labor, he puked through the whole thing and literally looked like a dead person when it was over, but he was there holding her hand. I was standing outside the door when she had the baby, my patient called me in about 3 minutes after she was born. It was really really special. I made their baby a little pink rag quilt, it turned our really cute. I will always remember him and I am praying every hour that God will give him a miracle. It looks grim right now, only time will tell the will of the Lord. I do know that he and his family have forever touched my heart.

Homesick

I don't think I've been this homesick in years. Todd and I have had such a fun Christmas filled day. We went Christmas shopping, and hung out together, then went to the festival of trees tonight. I have been really feeling in the Christmas mood. Tonight we had a half hour drive home from Festival of Trees and we were listening to the christmas station and so many memories just came flooding back. Like all of us together singing in the car on our way to Grandmas in newdale, the constant christmas music on in the house, listening to mom sing as she cleans the house, the permanent fixture of treats always on the cluttered counter, at one point I was even getting nostalgic for the block of cheese Lamar brings... yes it was on of those nights. I thought about putting up the Christmas tree at home, and everyone sleeping in the same room on Christmas eve. I thought of dad going out on christmas day to buy batteries for our toys. I thought about how awesome it was when mom would tell us we could sleep in cause it was a snow day, I thought of the hanging the half eaten by mice christmas decorations all around the house and those bells that used to hang by the old phone, the freaky faceless angel that went above the fireplace, the equally freaky Mr and Mrs Clause decorations for the bathroom. I thought about driving home from basketball games and falling asleep listening to bobcat radio. I thought about when Wyatt and I would make countdown chains out of red and green paper to hang around the house. I thought about wrapping presents in mom and dads bedroom watching that little t.v. I thought about peeking for presents in moms closet, and trying to break into dads office where the big ones were locked. I thought about Rhett and how much I miss him. I thought about Grandma Robison and a lot about Mom. I miss being little. I miss being together. I wish I would have known how much I would miss it.

However, home to me now is wherever Todd is. Right now he is holding me and playing with my hair as I cry and write this post. I'm grateful we have our own Christmas memories... like singing songs and slow dancing as we put up the Christmas tree, and drinking hot chocolate while walking around the neighborhood, and planning out what presents to get people together, and constantly listening to our favorite christmas mixes on itunes, and I love that my very own house can smell like the mall when I make candied almonds, I love how far we have come together since our first christmas. It is now our third one together (fourth if you count while we were dating) and I'm very grateful that I can buy Todd something other than a free netflix trial, and rewrapped wedding presents like in the previous years.

Todd has a hot cup of hot chocolate waiting downstairs, Cobie Callat is on itunes and it is snowing outside... even though I'm homesick I'm glad I have an amazing life and a best friend to spend this season with.